About Me

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windhoek, Namibia

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

he's just not that into you...

I gave you everything. You were the first person I loved with all my being, and I assumed you would be the last. I have never been a player in the dating game.

I thought this was not going to be a game but something for real. From the beginning you expressed interest in marriage, so I allowed myself to fall in love.

What I did not realise, is that you were damaged and therefore did not have the capacity to reciprocate even 10% of what I had given. When the walls collapsed around me and you went back to she that broke your heart, I forgave you instantly. I knew you are a child of God and had not done it intentionally. You were lost and trying to find your way. In the process I got hurt very badly. You did not break my spirit like the first one, but you did leave an open, gaping wound which has not yet fully recovered. Not even after 5 months.

You say our relationship has never been consistent, that possiblity had never even occurred to me. But when I think about it logically and in retorspect, I realise that when we were 'friends' we spoke very rarely. Until we developed what I thought were feelings, but in actual fact was just an attachment, we spoke constantly. Almost every minute of each day.

We grew so close, and I knew I was playing with fire and even told you to keep away because I knew I was trespassing on private property. This worked at first, but later on I succumbed to my feelings and forgot that encouraging them was so very and utterly wrong. Even if the other woman was not making you happy, I forgot the power of sex and how it ties two souls. You were not even aware of the soul ties until the other party attempted to break them.

She left you, I comforted your broken heart, and you broke mine.

I experienced mixed feelings: shock, pain, disbelief; shame; fury and even had a good laugh at myself because I realised I had been played. I was furious because of the pain.I took my rage out on you. Finally, I calmed down and begged you to be my friend.

I missed my confidante.

I missed your company.

I missed your hugs.

I missed the intimacy that had existed before we made physical contact. Do you remember that? It makes me smile thinking about it. We connected on an emotional level and you respected the boundaries that I put in place.

I believed what we had was built on a strong foundation and would be able to weather the storm. I wanted to believe we could both heal and be friends. This was not however your feeling, or even your choice.

I moved on and found happiness again for a while, but every few weeks the haunting feeling came back. How I envy people that have not experienced feelings associated with being in love. They are free and don't have regrets, feel like fools or pine for someone that never felt anything for them in the first place.

You have told me to let you go because you want to heal and want closure. This is the second time in 5 months you came clean and told me how you really felt. It is clear you are doing what I still need to learn: you are putting yourself first. It is clear I never meant even a quarter as much to you, as you did to me and therefore you no longer miss my presence in your life.

Perhaps I needed all that happened to to see that whatver kind of friendship we had is damaged, in my opionion beyond repair.

Perhaps finally hearing some of these things from you, as well as your behaviour in recent times is what I needed to experience in order to move on. Only time will tell.

Unfortunately for me my love, time takes time...

And I fear that this time it will not heal the wounds but only lead to a divide between the two of us which I can do nothing to repair. The irony is, God has answered my prayers. He has finally told me and you what to do in order to heal. Its not the answer I was looking for, but it is an answer and therefore an opportunity for me to move on, and out of your space for good.